Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
