Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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