Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
