Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
