I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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