remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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