Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
