smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
