When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
