There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
