Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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