you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
