You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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