we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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