I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
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I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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