her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
