hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The best revenge is premature balding
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
