FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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