I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
