You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
