wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
as a side note pls kill me
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
