Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
