Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
