Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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