I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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