Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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