why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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