so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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