I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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