What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
