Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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