I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
