I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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