its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
