so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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