i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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