look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think i scared a bird with my dick
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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