he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
