my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
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Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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