Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
