This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
