I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
