I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
