david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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