so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
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I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
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A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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