When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
