I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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