You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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