It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
