my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
