the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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