I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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