once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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