you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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