No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
