JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
