yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
