Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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