you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I believe in your delicious
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
