My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
