Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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